im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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