So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
