Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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