I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
