Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
