My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
