true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
