is your mom at the bar?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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