I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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