Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
