Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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