Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You had me at "let me see your balls"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
