4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
