I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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