Where is the hickey?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
