mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
