this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
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When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
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Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.