trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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