i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
