U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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