Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
