I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
