I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
