They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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