my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
