I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
