I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
