I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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