I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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