I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
