True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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