Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
