I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
whose ass print is on the piano?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
