do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
