i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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