She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
