We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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