I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize