he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
