I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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