Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
