My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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