When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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