I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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