Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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