The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
