I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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