you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
