got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
