He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If I die, sorry about rent.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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