apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I AM VODKA MAN
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
