nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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