whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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