worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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