Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
