i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
