My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
