Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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