she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You're earring is so big in my mouth
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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