after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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