marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
