we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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