"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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