I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
