Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
